What it Really Means to Love Yourself

I've had this conversation more than once with friends in the last few weeks and have felt I should make a post on it. The problem is I've been contemplating the whole time exactly how to put it into words, so please bare with me.

I've found some success in recent weightloss. Currently at about 60 pounds lost, (believe me, I know I'm not done- well between 60-100 more pounds to go! Yowzers!), so I've had the question brought to me by some- "how are you doing it?".

I've never been one to really believe in a specific diet/weightloss plan like "have you tried this shake?" or "if I only eat this soup for 3 weeks" or try this oil or powder, or drink... etc, etc, etc. I'm a believer of calories in vs out. I'm a believer in hard work. I'm a believer that there are no such things as quick fixes or easy ways out of things.  So if that is the case and those things work, why haven't I had success before?

I've really been working on some introspect lately. I am also a believer that most weight gain is NOT because we are lazy. I believe there are generally emotional issues that lead us to self sabotage our true potential of being the best versions of ourselves we can be. We can't win a faceless battle. That being said- until we truly understand the reasoning behind our weight gain, we can't win the loss.

As women, or even all people, but let's face it- women are worse... we are always serving others. We have kids to take care of, friends, church callings, family, (some of us have husbands). We run from place to place and sometimes find victory in the fact that we managed to get out of sweats that day and put on some makeup. We drop everything for those we care about and in turn find ourselves exhausted and no time for ourselves. We end up staring forward blankly on the couch at night in a daze, slowly putting a chip in our mouths and trying to muster up the energy to go do a batch of dishes or a load of laundry before crawling into bed.

Why do we try so hard? Why do we compete with the Jones' and measure ourselves against a standard of only good things, not struggles we see in others? What are we trying to prove? Do we secretly hope for the pat on the back and the "oh my gosh, you are so amazing, if only I could be a fraction of what you are"? Let's face it- we all like validation for our hard work and appreciation shown for it, right? Keep this in the back of your mind, I will come back to it.

Through the years, I've heard time and time again that you have to love yourself first in order to give more to others. What the freak does that even mean?? Right? When we are by nature ones that serve and give to others, putting yourself first, to me, seemed a little selfish. Not what I'm "suppose" to do. I can put myself first AFTER I bake cookies for the neighbor who just had surgery, or after I run my kid to a school function, or after work- because, you know.. gotta pay those bills! Saying no to responsibilities and going for a spa day hasn't seemed very practical for a single mom trying to make ends meet... then of course add... try to be dazzling so someone will want to be your team mate in the future.

It didn't hit me what it truly means to love yourself until this last year.  It's been quite a journey the last while for me from divorce, new relationships, friendships, life changes, work, raising my kid... but then after some tough conversations and a lot of self analyzing, it finally freaking hit me what it means. No one knows me better than God and myself. I definitely know the efforts I put in, remember? I'm there when I'm alone staring blankly forward talking myself into getting up off the couch. I'm there when I'm running around, I see the things I do or don't do. I know my intentions and that my heart is pure and worth love and understanding. My body has been there too. Through birth, and weight gain, weight loss, going to work, running errands, doing chores.. all of it.  If we are so capable of giving so much to others and showing so much love... why are we so hard on ourselves that we don't think we deserve the same? Or why do we put the pressure of it and hope because we give so much love that SOMEONE ELSE would return it to us?

I've found some success because I decided to love myself as I would love a friend. I know I deserve a good friend- we all like support and love from friendships, encouragement. I'm a good person... but I don't have to seek that love from anyone else but myself. (of course I haven't put out of the cards I may just end up with someone in the future.) So often when we try to lose weight or improve an aspect of our lives, it comes from a negative- self loathing part which, in turn, I believe sabotages our successes from the beginning. If you hate something about yourself... well.. lets just say nothing positive comes from a negative mindset.

If my best friend needed help with something, I would put on my listening ears and show love and support. When I raise my child, I know that she can't have too many cookies and be healthy, so I make sure she has the right foods. (why we as adults think we are freaking superman and can defy those laws and have a bunch of cookies but think it won't affect us the same is beyond me). When I promise my friend I will remind them to work out or do something, I do and encourage it telling them they will be happy they did what they set out to do. If they have a bad day I don't degrade them and say they are worthless and a failure. I say... you know what, you're human. Take a day. Pick yourself back up tomorrow and move forward, you can do this! This is what it means to really love yourself. It doesn't mean going to the spa, or pampering yourself all the time. It means treating yourself with the love and respect that you would show anyone else you really care about.

This is how I've found some success and I think it will continue. . . because I'm a loyal friend. I can be counted on. I give. I love. I support. I empathize. I know me. I know I deserve the same that I give others, and realize that I don't have to just "hope" that someone or the force of nature with give me those values back, because I can show it to me. It isn't selfish... it's eye opening. I'm not superhuman that can treat myself like crap, talk down about the things I would change, and then somehow have a positive outcome. Just makes it harder, right? I wouldn't choose to hang around a "friend" like that. So I don't have to be that to me.  I've chosen to step out of myself and treat me like a friend. I can help me with watching what and how much I put in my mouth. How much I move and exercise. That hey... I already promised this one friend I would do something for them, so I'm going to have to call you back in a little bit and get to you right after if I can. People... we are worth it. We rock it. Pat yourself on the freaking back and show a little pride.

It's gotten to rambling at this point... I hope I've made my point. We all have good in us. Why would we not allow it to come back to us?

Take care friends!

What "Skinny People" Don't Realize

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written. My journey has had some ups and downs the last while including a painful divorce and in turn gaining a little weight back. I’m happy to report that I got back on the wagon and am currently 254 lbs. The focus of my mentality of this has changed dramatically, however.

We’ve all heard the generalizations of fat people. They are lazy. They just eat more than they move. Some think we are less intelligent. We cannot do what others can because the weight will hold us back. The thing that the people who generalize us do not realize is that fat people are more beautiful than you can imagine. (disclaimer… I am not generalizing all skinny people with the title… just the ones who generalize, haha J )

Growing up I experienced some childhood trauma. I’m not going to go into it as it is very personal to me, but I remember trying to tell my mom about it. My mom is a good woman, I don’t want anyone to feel that I am bashing her – as all moms, we just do the best we can. When I tried to tell my mom this horrible thing, I believe she didn’t want to believe it. In turn, I remember being in trouble for saying such a horrible “lie”. I started gaining weight then. The nature of the trauma was physical, and I was not going to be used or devalued for my body. I wanted to make sure people knew me. It also started a battle with perfectionism. Trying to be good enough, trying to be the person no one thought would lie to them, trying to be the one that others could confide in and I could lend support. 

Why are fat people so funny? To make up for their weight with personality? Why are fat people generally nice? To make up for their body? Or is it because many people who are overweight have experienced severe pain. They cope differently than others. They are kind because they know what it feels like to not be valued for their heart and show empathy to those experiencing trauma in their own lives. We are beautiful because of the horrible refining moments both leading to weight gain, and because of the weight gain. We understand life and appreciate what truly matters on a level so deep it has become embedded in our souls. We’ve seen disappointment, heartache, trauma, abuse, generalizations, beating of our value- yet in turn appreciate so much beauty. We know souls are tender and worth loving. We are grateful for nature and a beautiful walk. We praise the success of anyone who puts their heart and soul into something or even try and help celebrate the experience or hold someone when failed.

I am saddened to live in a world where we are trained to hate our bodies. We live in a world where our value is determined by a number on the scale. We can try again and again every diet in the world, but until we realize a couple things- we will not have success:

1)      Weight-loss is not a simple numbers game. It seems so simple, and yes, I’ve found some success in the fact that to lose weight you must burn more calories than you consume. It is an emotional process. For many of us, emotions got us to where we were. Stuffing them in quite literally to numb or not address the root of it all.  Until the root of the gain is addressed, you will be fighting a faceless battle you cannot win.  I’ve found with me that it is SO much easier to lose when there is a strong EMOTIONAL support not only for the damage that has been done, but the changes that are happening. You’ve had this body for how long? Losing weight makes you feel exposed and vulnerable and seen to a degree you haven’t experienced before and that is scary- ESPECIALLY when we have been hiding something in our soul such as pain. Everyone keeps telling me how it’s a mentality- yes to a degree- but really it is so very much more emotional than anyone realizes.

2)    I love my body. This has been a hard one to grasp. As I said before, we are in a world where we are trained to hate our bodies. “I hate that I am so fat.” “I hate the way my hips are.” “I hate the wrinkles on my face.” “I hate that I don’t have the boobs and shape someone else does.” I hate, I hate, I hate. Listen friends… along with the emotional part comes LOVE. When people say you have to love yourself first, sometimes the words go in one ear and out the other. When I think about how I wish I could be thin and what I want to be like… yes… great goals…. But when I pause and think about it… I LOVE my body. This body has seen me through EVERYTHING. From being there when the crash of trauma and weight gain started and it seems that your relationship is with food that you have a hard time with… no… your body has been there for you. It works out with you. My body grew my child, and takes me to work. It undergoes so much pain and torment through the years, yet always literally gets up and is there for me. When we say we need to love ourselves, or we need to do it for ourselves, yes it’s true. But also- think of your body as a friend who has always been there for you. We generally want to give to those people and love and nurture and support those who have been there for us. Well… my body has always been here for me. It’s time that I show it some love, not because I hate the way it looks, but because it has been through a lot and deserves to be shown some kindness.

I recently had a conversation with a friend that blew me away. So often we see similarities between ourselves and the people we are close with to the point that we assume we feel the same on many matters. My friend told me once that if I lost the weight, THEN I would be the complete package. Then again most recently, this friend and I went more in depth in the conversation and it was eluded that my value was less because of my body. For someone with a tender heart and sees beauty in people, this was very hard to swallow. I truly believe people are beautiful or not because of their souls, not physical appearances. Yes, some things are more attractive than others for immediate judgement- but once you truly get to know a person, that is when the beauty or the beast really shines making them overall beautiful or well… beastly.

To sum it up? What is it “skinny” people don’t know? I’m not lazy. I can do anything I put my mind to. I am BEAUTIFUL. My soul has seen a lot of crap and in turn recognizes and shines the wonderful things in this world. I am NOT less valuable as a person because of my body. I’m intelligent. I LOVE my body, it has always been there for me. I LOVE people not to try and make up for something I lack, but because I’ve grown accustomed to see their beauty and add to the good things in this world. My heart is tender and my soul is good. I make jokes because I’m happy and love to spread joy. I know what matters. I love me… and I am worth it.