The Power to BE

Forgive me yet again as I try to formulate the thoughts in my mind to whomever may come across it.
I’ve always felt a bit of a fraud. Let me explain through a couple examples.

When I was in elementary school they started taking people they saw a natural intelligence talent in to take a test for an accelerated program called Express. They took my sister in and she became part of the program. They would get taken out of class into another class that really developed certain aspects of the learning process.  I think I’ve mentioned before that when I was little, my dad sat me on his lap and told me I could do anything I put my mind to and it stuck with me. I wasn’t chosen to go test for the program. That natural talent wasn’t seen in me. That bothered me so I asked if I could test. They hesitantly agreed. I missed it by one question. Things stick with me and here I am 30 years later and I can still tell you that question I missed was about puppies. At that point I could have taken what everyone already knew- that it just wasn’t something I was- but I don’t like people telling me what I can and can’t do. I studied hard and asked to take the test again. The teachers had seen how hard I took it the time before, but reluctantly let me take it. I passed. It wasn’t long into the program I knew I wasn’t like the rest of the kids there. Things came so easily to them that I had to process and work HARD at. I pushed myself and continued to do the things though I felt a struggle to keep up with the natural ability of others. I gained a lot of experiences and programs I did in the process that really helped me grow. I was in honors programs, a tutor and have knowledge I know I wouldn’t have otherwise had.

When I was in middle school I wanted to join the band program. I wanted to play the trumpet. I was told that I didn’t have the right structure with my lips to ever succeed as a trumpet player and encouraged to play the clarinet. Besides, kinda a boy instrument, right? Um…. Nope. Not me. Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. I insisted on playing the trumpet. I had to work so hard to make up for things. I played lead in many places, and state places it was apparent to me that some of the things came a lot more natural to others. It pushed me to work harder. I went on to first section All-State multiple years, and played lead in college.

Present times people try to compliment me on the fact I have “so many natural” talents and that it seems things come easy to me. This is where I feel like a fraud. Things DON’T come easy to me. I have to develop things to grow talents I want to have or mean something to me. Yes, I do have some natural knacks, but generally the ones people notice are the ones I’ve worked hard at.

Throughout this weight loss process, I’ve talked a lot about plateaus I hit and have to work through something. My most recent plateau has hit so hard. I expressed to a friend of mine that it’s scary. I’ve always identified as this hard working, tough, tender hearted, OVERWEIGHT gal. I was on the treadmill this morning and some things really hit me. 

It started with the fact that I’m NOT a runner. I suck at it. I have to walk more than I run, I hurt, I’m slow, I’m chubby. It then made me think of those other experiences I mentioned above. Who said a “runner” had to be anything in particular? I was identified as someone who didn’t have a natural intellect talent. I was identified as someone who would never succeed at trumpet. What is a runner? Why do we have to be a certain way to be seen as something? I dug in my heels and kept at the treadmill and the thought process. Just because I’m not the standard runner, does not mean I can’t be a great runner. Like the other experiences, work and developing has to happen. I don’t doubt my capability to obtain it. I know I will become a runner. And with that… I’m NOT a fraud! Just because something isn’t natural and you have to work at it, doesn’t mean it is something you can’t do. I AM an educated person. I AM a musician. I will be a runner.

The thought process continued. My plateau. So often we put these perimeters on what things will look like.  I’ve been afraid of the unknown because I’ve never been a “skinny” person. I’ve grown strength and wisdom, and really who I am- all while being fat. It’s almost like I felt like I need to change me to get that and it's simply not true.

I thought of the conversion process in the gospel. People are born with the light of Christ. It is a part of them. When someone hasn’t been involved in a gospel setting and start learning of church and God and Jesus Christ, it doesn’t mean they have to change who they are. It is a personal relationship with God and Christ. This only GROWS who they are. Sometimes things change and choices and what we put in our bodies or spirits. But simply it is grasping, and feeling, and letting these things in our hearts. And we grow. We develop. We are better for it, even if it takes work.

This morning as I laid out all these thoughts while I moved on the treadmill I busted through the mental plateau I was having. I can be skinny and not weak. I can be fit and maintain who I am and be tender and love others. I’ve labeled an identity on myself thinking that the mold of what could be would have to be different instead of looking at it as the growth of my core like a conversion to the gospel. I have the power to define what it is I want to be or accomplish. Just because I had to work at music or my mind, does not negate the fact that I was able to achieve that. Just because I may look different does not negate my core of who I am or what I can achieve.  These fallacies and labels we put on others or ourselves are a crutch. Because something looks one way, does not mean it has to be that way. We have the power to develop and create whatever we want! We have the ability to put in the work. It doesn’t HAVE to look a certain way. We have EVERYTHING at our fingertips. Have we had the change of heart to reach out and grasp those things that will help make us great?

My weight loss isn't LOSING anything. I'm empowered to know I have the ability to grow into something even better. I'm grateful for it. And who knows... maybe down the road I'll get complimented on my natural ability :-) .