It’s been quite some time since I’ve written. My journey has
had some ups and downs the last while including a painful divorce and in turn
gaining a little weight back. I’m happy to report that I got back on the wagon
and am currently 254 lbs. The focus of my mentality of this has changed
dramatically, however.
We’ve all heard the generalizations of fat people. They are
lazy. They just eat more than they move. Some think we are less intelligent. We
cannot do what others can because the weight will hold us back. The thing that
the people who generalize us do not realize is that fat people are more
beautiful than you can imagine. (disclaimer… I am not generalizing all skinny
people with the title… just the ones who generalize, haha J )
Growing
up I experienced some childhood trauma. I’m not going to go into it as it is
very personal to me, but I remember trying to tell my mom about it. My mom is a
good woman, I don’t want anyone to feel that I am bashing her – as all moms, we
just do the best we can. When I tried to tell my mom this horrible thing, I
believe she didn’t want to believe it. In turn, I remember being in trouble for
saying such a horrible “lie”. I started gaining weight then. The nature of the
trauma was physical, and I was not going to be used or devalued for my body. I
wanted to make sure people knew me. It also started a battle with
perfectionism. Trying to be good enough, trying to be the person no one thought
would lie to them, trying to be the one that others could confide in and I
could lend support.
Why are fat people so funny? To make up for their weight
with personality? Why are fat people generally nice? To make up for their body?
Or is it because many people who are overweight have experienced severe pain.
They cope differently than others. They are kind because they know what it
feels like to not be valued for their heart and show empathy to those
experiencing trauma in their own lives. We are beautiful because of the
horrible refining moments both leading to weight gain, and because of the
weight gain. We understand life and appreciate what truly matters on a level so
deep it has become embedded in our souls. We’ve seen disappointment, heartache,
trauma, abuse, generalizations, beating of our value- yet in turn appreciate so
much beauty. We know souls are tender and worth loving. We are grateful for
nature and a beautiful walk. We praise the success of anyone who puts their
heart and soul into something or even try and help celebrate the experience or
hold someone when failed.
I am saddened to live in a world where we are trained to
hate our bodies. We live in a world where our value is determined by a number
on the scale. We can try again and again every diet in the world, but until we
realize a couple things- we will not have success:
1)
Weight-loss is not a simple numbers game. It
seems so simple, and yes, I’ve found some success in the fact that to lose
weight you must burn more calories than you consume. It is an emotional
process. For many of us, emotions got us to where we were. Stuffing them in
quite literally to numb or not address the root of it all. Until the root of the gain is addressed, you
will be fighting a faceless battle you cannot win. I’ve found with me that it is SO much easier
to lose when there is a strong EMOTIONAL support not only for the damage that
has been done, but the changes that are happening. You’ve had this body for how
long? Losing weight makes you feel exposed and vulnerable and seen to a degree
you haven’t experienced before and that is scary- ESPECIALLY when we have been
hiding something in our soul such as pain. Everyone keeps telling me how it’s a
mentality- yes to a degree- but really it is so very much more emotional than
anyone realizes.
2) I love my body. This has been a hard one to
grasp. As I said before, we are in a world where we are trained to hate our
bodies. “I hate that I am so fat.” “I hate the way my hips are.” “I hate the
wrinkles on my face.” “I hate that I don’t have the boobs and shape someone
else does.” I hate, I hate, I hate. Listen friends… along with the emotional
part comes LOVE. When people say you have to love yourself first, sometimes the
words go in one ear and out the other. When I think about how I wish I could be
thin and what I want to be like… yes… great goals…. But when I pause and think
about it… I LOVE my body. This body has seen me through EVERYTHING. From being
there when the crash of trauma and weight gain started and it seems that your
relationship is with food that you have a hard time with… no… your body has
been there for you. It works out with you. My body grew my child, and takes me
to work. It undergoes so much pain and torment through the years, yet always
literally gets up and is there for me. When we say we need to love ourselves,
or we need to do it for ourselves, yes it’s true. But also- think of your body
as a friend who has always been there for you. We generally want to give to
those people and love and nurture and support those who have been there for us.
Well… my body has always been here for me. It’s time that I show it some love,
not because I hate the way it looks, but because it has been through a lot and
deserves to be shown some kindness.
I
recently had a conversation with a friend that blew me away. So often we see
similarities between ourselves and the people we are close with to the point that
we assume we feel the same on many matters. My friend told me once that if I
lost the weight, THEN I would be the complete package. Then again most
recently, this friend and I went more in depth in the conversation and it was
eluded that my value was less because of my body. For someone with a tender
heart and sees beauty in people, this was very hard to swallow. I truly believe
people are beautiful or not because of their souls, not physical appearances.
Yes, some things are more attractive than others for immediate judgement- but
once you truly get to know a person, that is when the beauty or the beast
really shines making them overall beautiful or well… beastly.
To sum it up? What is it “skinny”
people don’t know? I’m not lazy. I can do anything I put my mind to. I am
BEAUTIFUL. My soul has seen a lot of crap and in turn recognizes and shines the
wonderful things in this world. I am NOT less valuable as a person because of
my body. I’m intelligent. I LOVE my body, it has always been there for me. I
LOVE people not to try and make up for something I lack, but because I’ve grown
accustomed to see their beauty and add to the good things in this world. My
heart is tender and my soul is good. I make jokes because I’m happy and love to
spread joy. I know what matters. I love me… and I am worth it.
