The Power to BE

Forgive me yet again as I try to formulate the thoughts in my mind to whomever may come across it.
I’ve always felt a bit of a fraud. Let me explain through a couple examples.

When I was in elementary school they started taking people they saw a natural intelligence talent in to take a test for an accelerated program called Express. They took my sister in and she became part of the program. They would get taken out of class into another class that really developed certain aspects of the learning process.  I think I’ve mentioned before that when I was little, my dad sat me on his lap and told me I could do anything I put my mind to and it stuck with me. I wasn’t chosen to go test for the program. That natural talent wasn’t seen in me. That bothered me so I asked if I could test. They hesitantly agreed. I missed it by one question. Things stick with me and here I am 30 years later and I can still tell you that question I missed was about puppies. At that point I could have taken what everyone already knew- that it just wasn’t something I was- but I don’t like people telling me what I can and can’t do. I studied hard and asked to take the test again. The teachers had seen how hard I took it the time before, but reluctantly let me take it. I passed. It wasn’t long into the program I knew I wasn’t like the rest of the kids there. Things came so easily to them that I had to process and work HARD at. I pushed myself and continued to do the things though I felt a struggle to keep up with the natural ability of others. I gained a lot of experiences and programs I did in the process that really helped me grow. I was in honors programs, a tutor and have knowledge I know I wouldn’t have otherwise had.

When I was in middle school I wanted to join the band program. I wanted to play the trumpet. I was told that I didn’t have the right structure with my lips to ever succeed as a trumpet player and encouraged to play the clarinet. Besides, kinda a boy instrument, right? Um…. Nope. Not me. Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. I insisted on playing the trumpet. I had to work so hard to make up for things. I played lead in many places, and state places it was apparent to me that some of the things came a lot more natural to others. It pushed me to work harder. I went on to first section All-State multiple years, and played lead in college.

Present times people try to compliment me on the fact I have “so many natural” talents and that it seems things come easy to me. This is where I feel like a fraud. Things DON’T come easy to me. I have to develop things to grow talents I want to have or mean something to me. Yes, I do have some natural knacks, but generally the ones people notice are the ones I’ve worked hard at.

Throughout this weight loss process, I’ve talked a lot about plateaus I hit and have to work through something. My most recent plateau has hit so hard. I expressed to a friend of mine that it’s scary. I’ve always identified as this hard working, tough, tender hearted, OVERWEIGHT gal. I was on the treadmill this morning and some things really hit me. 

It started with the fact that I’m NOT a runner. I suck at it. I have to walk more than I run, I hurt, I’m slow, I’m chubby. It then made me think of those other experiences I mentioned above. Who said a “runner” had to be anything in particular? I was identified as someone who didn’t have a natural intellect talent. I was identified as someone who would never succeed at trumpet. What is a runner? Why do we have to be a certain way to be seen as something? I dug in my heels and kept at the treadmill and the thought process. Just because I’m not the standard runner, does not mean I can’t be a great runner. Like the other experiences, work and developing has to happen. I don’t doubt my capability to obtain it. I know I will become a runner. And with that… I’m NOT a fraud! Just because something isn’t natural and you have to work at it, doesn’t mean it is something you can’t do. I AM an educated person. I AM a musician. I will be a runner.

The thought process continued. My plateau. So often we put these perimeters on what things will look like.  I’ve been afraid of the unknown because I’ve never been a “skinny” person. I’ve grown strength and wisdom, and really who I am- all while being fat. It’s almost like I felt like I need to change me to get that and it's simply not true.

I thought of the conversion process in the gospel. People are born with the light of Christ. It is a part of them. When someone hasn’t been involved in a gospel setting and start learning of church and God and Jesus Christ, it doesn’t mean they have to change who they are. It is a personal relationship with God and Christ. This only GROWS who they are. Sometimes things change and choices and what we put in our bodies or spirits. But simply it is grasping, and feeling, and letting these things in our hearts. And we grow. We develop. We are better for it, even if it takes work.

This morning as I laid out all these thoughts while I moved on the treadmill I busted through the mental plateau I was having. I can be skinny and not weak. I can be fit and maintain who I am and be tender and love others. I’ve labeled an identity on myself thinking that the mold of what could be would have to be different instead of looking at it as the growth of my core like a conversion to the gospel. I have the power to define what it is I want to be or accomplish. Just because I had to work at music or my mind, does not negate the fact that I was able to achieve that. Just because I may look different does not negate my core of who I am or what I can achieve.  These fallacies and labels we put on others or ourselves are a crutch. Because something looks one way, does not mean it has to be that way. We have the power to develop and create whatever we want! We have the ability to put in the work. It doesn’t HAVE to look a certain way. We have EVERYTHING at our fingertips. Have we had the change of heart to reach out and grasp those things that will help make us great?

My weight loss isn't LOSING anything. I'm empowered to know I have the ability to grow into something even better. I'm grateful for it. And who knows... maybe down the road I'll get complimented on my natural ability :-) . 

What a Nearly 100 Pound Loss Looks Like....

When you hear about weight-loss, you hear "oh they look so good", or "you must be so happy", or "can you remember what you even looked like?". As I approach my hundred pound lost mark, I want to share with you what a near hundred pound weight loss looks like for me.
Most often one thinks of this image when they talk about pounds lost:

Sure enough, that adds some perspective. Or a lot of people like the before and afters of sorts:

I'll admit, I find those motivational too! Look at my face difference! But that's not what it looks like. As a society, we are constantly trying to find the quick-instant gratification- way of things. I talk a lot on here about what an emotional journey weight loss is. I was just talking to a neighbor about the vulnerability that comes with it as I explained I went and signed myself up for a half marathon to train for! (I'm sure there will be more of that to come!). 
But people don't talk about the literal blood, sweat, and tears that comes with weight loss. From the constant criticism of no matter what you try, someone has an idea of "you know what you SHOULD do..." or the "oh, well good for you" condescending backhanded compliments, to the literal awake at night as your body aches in agony from what you just put it through. Yes, you learn to kind of relish in that last one as you know you accomplished something. So all in all... brace yourself, LOTS of selfies and pictures to follow.... This is what a near 100 pound loss looks like to ME.

There are a lot of mornings when you're tired.... afternoons when you're tired.... nights when you're tired. (as a single mom, you work things out when you can, and often times that's when the kiddo is in bed)

Of course with those mornings and nights... there is a lot of beauty to be seen...

When the kid isn't in bed, you take her with and find all sorts of adventures, from riding bikes, to trampoline parks, walks, hikes...

You see LOTS of different weather through the seasons....

You play volleyball, hike,and bike on your own...

Well that all sounds fun, right? Did I mention the  sweat, sweat... and.... more sweat???

Did I mention the time???

Did I mention the bruising and tearing up of your feet when an overweight woman decides to walk 10-12 miles a day?

But did I mention the feeling of accomplishment when setting out to do something you want to acheive?

I won't mention the tears when you are totally exhausted, and no fears... no pictures of THAT were taken! Haha.... but all in all what I want people to know... there isn't a quick fix. There isn't something easy. There is time, pain, heartache, but also triumph, joy and success to be found. I have a long way to go still, but proud of how far I've come.
What does a nearly 100 pound loss look like? Ladies and Gentlemen... it looks like hard work.

What it Really Means to Love Yourself

I've had this conversation more than once with friends in the last few weeks and have felt I should make a post on it. The problem is I've been contemplating the whole time exactly how to put it into words, so please bare with me.

I've found some success in recent weightloss. Currently at about 60 pounds lost, (believe me, I know I'm not done- well between 60-100 more pounds to go! Yowzers!), so I've had the question brought to me by some- "how are you doing it?".

I've never been one to really believe in a specific diet/weightloss plan like "have you tried this shake?" or "if I only eat this soup for 3 weeks" or try this oil or powder, or drink... etc, etc, etc. I'm a believer of calories in vs out. I'm a believer in hard work. I'm a believer that there are no such things as quick fixes or easy ways out of things.  So if that is the case and those things work, why haven't I had success before?

I've really been working on some introspect lately. I am also a believer that most weight gain is NOT because we are lazy. I believe there are generally emotional issues that lead us to self sabotage our true potential of being the best versions of ourselves we can be. We can't win a faceless battle. That being said- until we truly understand the reasoning behind our weight gain, we can't win the loss.

As women, or even all people, but let's face it- women are worse... we are always serving others. We have kids to take care of, friends, church callings, family, (some of us have husbands). We run from place to place and sometimes find victory in the fact that we managed to get out of sweats that day and put on some makeup. We drop everything for those we care about and in turn find ourselves exhausted and no time for ourselves. We end up staring forward blankly on the couch at night in a daze, slowly putting a chip in our mouths and trying to muster up the energy to go do a batch of dishes or a load of laundry before crawling into bed.

Why do we try so hard? Why do we compete with the Jones' and measure ourselves against a standard of only good things, not struggles we see in others? What are we trying to prove? Do we secretly hope for the pat on the back and the "oh my gosh, you are so amazing, if only I could be a fraction of what you are"? Let's face it- we all like validation for our hard work and appreciation shown for it, right? Keep this in the back of your mind, I will come back to it.

Through the years, I've heard time and time again that you have to love yourself first in order to give more to others. What the freak does that even mean?? Right? When we are by nature ones that serve and give to others, putting yourself first, to me, seemed a little selfish. Not what I'm "suppose" to do. I can put myself first AFTER I bake cookies for the neighbor who just had surgery, or after I run my kid to a school function, or after work- because, you know.. gotta pay those bills! Saying no to responsibilities and going for a spa day hasn't seemed very practical for a single mom trying to make ends meet... then of course add... try to be dazzling so someone will want to be your team mate in the future.

It didn't hit me what it truly means to love yourself until this last year.  It's been quite a journey the last while for me from divorce, new relationships, friendships, life changes, work, raising my kid... but then after some tough conversations and a lot of self analyzing, it finally freaking hit me what it means. No one knows me better than God and myself. I definitely know the efforts I put in, remember? I'm there when I'm alone staring blankly forward talking myself into getting up off the couch. I'm there when I'm running around, I see the things I do or don't do. I know my intentions and that my heart is pure and worth love and understanding. My body has been there too. Through birth, and weight gain, weight loss, going to work, running errands, doing chores.. all of it.  If we are so capable of giving so much to others and showing so much love... why are we so hard on ourselves that we don't think we deserve the same? Or why do we put the pressure of it and hope because we give so much love that SOMEONE ELSE would return it to us?

I've found some success because I decided to love myself as I would love a friend. I know I deserve a good friend- we all like support and love from friendships, encouragement. I'm a good person... but I don't have to seek that love from anyone else but myself. (of course I haven't put out of the cards I may just end up with someone in the future.) So often when we try to lose weight or improve an aspect of our lives, it comes from a negative- self loathing part which, in turn, I believe sabotages our successes from the beginning. If you hate something about yourself... well.. lets just say nothing positive comes from a negative mindset.

If my best friend needed help with something, I would put on my listening ears and show love and support. When I raise my child, I know that she can't have too many cookies and be healthy, so I make sure she has the right foods. (why we as adults think we are freaking superman and can defy those laws and have a bunch of cookies but think it won't affect us the same is beyond me). When I promise my friend I will remind them to work out or do something, I do and encourage it telling them they will be happy they did what they set out to do. If they have a bad day I don't degrade them and say they are worthless and a failure. I say... you know what, you're human. Take a day. Pick yourself back up tomorrow and move forward, you can do this! This is what it means to really love yourself. It doesn't mean going to the spa, or pampering yourself all the time. It means treating yourself with the love and respect that you would show anyone else you really care about.

This is how I've found some success and I think it will continue. . . because I'm a loyal friend. I can be counted on. I give. I love. I support. I empathize. I know me. I know I deserve the same that I give others, and realize that I don't have to just "hope" that someone or the force of nature with give me those values back, because I can show it to me. It isn't selfish... it's eye opening. I'm not superhuman that can treat myself like crap, talk down about the things I would change, and then somehow have a positive outcome. Just makes it harder, right? I wouldn't choose to hang around a "friend" like that. So I don't have to be that to me.  I've chosen to step out of myself and treat me like a friend. I can help me with watching what and how much I put in my mouth. How much I move and exercise. That hey... I already promised this one friend I would do something for them, so I'm going to have to call you back in a little bit and get to you right after if I can. People... we are worth it. We rock it. Pat yourself on the freaking back and show a little pride.

It's gotten to rambling at this point... I hope I've made my point. We all have good in us. Why would we not allow it to come back to us?

Take care friends!

What "Skinny People" Don't Realize

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written. My journey has had some ups and downs the last while including a painful divorce and in turn gaining a little weight back. I’m happy to report that I got back on the wagon and am currently 254 lbs. The focus of my mentality of this has changed dramatically, however.

We’ve all heard the generalizations of fat people. They are lazy. They just eat more than they move. Some think we are less intelligent. We cannot do what others can because the weight will hold us back. The thing that the people who generalize us do not realize is that fat people are more beautiful than you can imagine. (disclaimer… I am not generalizing all skinny people with the title… just the ones who generalize, haha J )

Growing up I experienced some childhood trauma. I’m not going to go into it as it is very personal to me, but I remember trying to tell my mom about it. My mom is a good woman, I don’t want anyone to feel that I am bashing her – as all moms, we just do the best we can. When I tried to tell my mom this horrible thing, I believe she didn’t want to believe it. In turn, I remember being in trouble for saying such a horrible “lie”. I started gaining weight then. The nature of the trauma was physical, and I was not going to be used or devalued for my body. I wanted to make sure people knew me. It also started a battle with perfectionism. Trying to be good enough, trying to be the person no one thought would lie to them, trying to be the one that others could confide in and I could lend support. 

Why are fat people so funny? To make up for their weight with personality? Why are fat people generally nice? To make up for their body? Or is it because many people who are overweight have experienced severe pain. They cope differently than others. They are kind because they know what it feels like to not be valued for their heart and show empathy to those experiencing trauma in their own lives. We are beautiful because of the horrible refining moments both leading to weight gain, and because of the weight gain. We understand life and appreciate what truly matters on a level so deep it has become embedded in our souls. We’ve seen disappointment, heartache, trauma, abuse, generalizations, beating of our value- yet in turn appreciate so much beauty. We know souls are tender and worth loving. We are grateful for nature and a beautiful walk. We praise the success of anyone who puts their heart and soul into something or even try and help celebrate the experience or hold someone when failed.

I am saddened to live in a world where we are trained to hate our bodies. We live in a world where our value is determined by a number on the scale. We can try again and again every diet in the world, but until we realize a couple things- we will not have success:

1)      Weight-loss is not a simple numbers game. It seems so simple, and yes, I’ve found some success in the fact that to lose weight you must burn more calories than you consume. It is an emotional process. For many of us, emotions got us to where we were. Stuffing them in quite literally to numb or not address the root of it all.  Until the root of the gain is addressed, you will be fighting a faceless battle you cannot win.  I’ve found with me that it is SO much easier to lose when there is a strong EMOTIONAL support not only for the damage that has been done, but the changes that are happening. You’ve had this body for how long? Losing weight makes you feel exposed and vulnerable and seen to a degree you haven’t experienced before and that is scary- ESPECIALLY when we have been hiding something in our soul such as pain. Everyone keeps telling me how it’s a mentality- yes to a degree- but really it is so very much more emotional than anyone realizes.

2)    I love my body. This has been a hard one to grasp. As I said before, we are in a world where we are trained to hate our bodies. “I hate that I am so fat.” “I hate the way my hips are.” “I hate the wrinkles on my face.” “I hate that I don’t have the boobs and shape someone else does.” I hate, I hate, I hate. Listen friends… along with the emotional part comes LOVE. When people say you have to love yourself first, sometimes the words go in one ear and out the other. When I think about how I wish I could be thin and what I want to be like… yes… great goals…. But when I pause and think about it… I LOVE my body. This body has seen me through EVERYTHING. From being there when the crash of trauma and weight gain started and it seems that your relationship is with food that you have a hard time with… no… your body has been there for you. It works out with you. My body grew my child, and takes me to work. It undergoes so much pain and torment through the years, yet always literally gets up and is there for me. When we say we need to love ourselves, or we need to do it for ourselves, yes it’s true. But also- think of your body as a friend who has always been there for you. We generally want to give to those people and love and nurture and support those who have been there for us. Well… my body has always been here for me. It’s time that I show it some love, not because I hate the way it looks, but because it has been through a lot and deserves to be shown some kindness.

I recently had a conversation with a friend that blew me away. So often we see similarities between ourselves and the people we are close with to the point that we assume we feel the same on many matters. My friend told me once that if I lost the weight, THEN I would be the complete package. Then again most recently, this friend and I went more in depth in the conversation and it was eluded that my value was less because of my body. For someone with a tender heart and sees beauty in people, this was very hard to swallow. I truly believe people are beautiful or not because of their souls, not physical appearances. Yes, some things are more attractive than others for immediate judgement- but once you truly get to know a person, that is when the beauty or the beast really shines making them overall beautiful or well… beastly.

To sum it up? What is it “skinny” people don’t know? I’m not lazy. I can do anything I put my mind to. I am BEAUTIFUL. My soul has seen a lot of crap and in turn recognizes and shines the wonderful things in this world. I am NOT less valuable as a person because of my body. I’m intelligent. I LOVE my body, it has always been there for me. I LOVE people not to try and make up for something I lack, but because I’ve grown accustomed to see their beauty and add to the good things in this world. My heart is tender and my soul is good. I make jokes because I’m happy and love to spread joy. I know what matters. I love me… and I am worth it.

Weigh In!

Just a quick post to follow up on this weekend's weigh in! It wasn't exactly where I wanted, but I will take it for sure! I had a night at work that I worked all night until about 5 in the morning, got an hour of sleep, then got up for the day. Those days... I don't eat so well. So last weigh in was 267, and this weekend I weighed in at 263.6! Woohoo! 39 lbs total! Here are a couple pics.

Hoping to get into the 250s this week! Wish me luck! We will be going camping on Thursday until Saturday morning, so I will probably do weigh in the following morning to be consistent with time, we will see how early we get back! :)

Biking!

As promised- biking today! I was so excited and nervous about the ride and if I would be able to complete the feat or if it would be something I would have to ask for help and couldn't do, I didn't get much sleep last night!

My friend Stacey picked me up about 8 this morning and we set out to the route we had been informed was the 10 mile route for the event Spinderella. Spinderella is a bike event held in June and I wanted to see if I should sign up for the 10 or 22 mile.

It started out HARD! I was SLOW and my thighs BURNED SO BAD from the beginning. I was wondering what I was getting myself into if I barely got a block and I was feeling it already. Stacey told me to pull over and let me know my rear tire was low. I wasn't so sure if it was low or I was just a bit chubby and it made it look low :). We took our before picture-

We kept going, but I was starting to hurt pretty bad and was sure we had MAYBE only done about a mile. Girl got my back and said we should pull into a gas station that was on the way. Lucky us- Free Air. I filled my tire and GOODNESS- WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!!! I felt so light and easier! 

We stopped a couple time for water and the view was wonderful. Here is our middle picture-

This is right before what I felt would be the hardest part of our journey. I had been warned about some specific hills and thought the last half would be a lot harder because of the hills. Can I tell you how exhilarating and great it feels when you push through something hard? I think every time I do a work out, there is the point I want to quit. This point I don't think I have anything left in me and I am DONE. Then if I just keep pushing, you get a RUSH of endorphins and it becomes easier and better and such a satisfying feel good feel!

The second half of our ride was my favorite by far. Speed, rush and yes... the hills weren't even bad! One point I got to the top of the hill and yelled up at Stacey- I DID IT! There was an older gentleman jogging and I was informed he chuckled at my excitement. Things are so much better when you have someone else to help push you through, and encourage, and share in your joy of getting your chubby but up a hill on a bike. :)

Excited to do it again soon! Here is our finished pic- 5 and 5 make ten today! Yup! We both did the ten miles and it felt GREAT!

So my FitBit doesn't track steps when I'm riding a bike and I was so lifted I decided to go for a walk/jog too! I got in another five miles and finished my steps. Nailing it today! I'm still under on my calories, and doing good! I took a little nap this afternoon and woke up a little stiff! Cross your fingers I can MOVE the next couple days! Hurts so good!

Are you all doing positive things for you??

Let's Play Catch!

So friends, I decided that this not in real time posting is not working for me! I've found that I am not caring as much and thinking my weigh ins don't matter right now! Darn it! In other words- I'm in a funk and it's time to mix it up! So that being said- This post is going to catch us up to current day. I will weigh in again in one week and kinda start over. I'll be honest- this funk has lasted at least a month! Yikes! So here you have it- all of my weigh ins with pics that I have up to current day! Hoping this real time will add some much needed pressure and once a week weigh ins so I can start making larger leaps again!

3rd Weigh In:
12/19/14 Weight: 283.8

This week was a MAJOR heart break. I actually cried after weighing in. It did not feel good. I stayed under calories by a LARGE amount and exercised MORE than committed and lost WAY LESS than expected. Just goes to show, sometimes over doing is harmful to your body. 

4th Weigh In:

1/2/15 Weight: 276

Notice my new bracelet? I got a fit bit for Christmas! It is great! Love it!

5th Weigh In:

Weight 272.4

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Seems like I have a good one then a not so good one, right? I have a hard time adjusting to not using food as a method of relieving stress, and I have a lot of stress at times! Darn it! Working on it! What do you do as a healthy way to relieve stress?

6th Weigh In:

Weight 265.8 

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Sometimes what seems slow is actually huge leaps! Can you believe I'm SO CLOSE to a 40lb loss!

7th Weigh In:

2/13/15

Weight 265

I feel like I'm starting to see some changes! This is really when the struggle started for me though. Notice it is not even a whole pound loss in the two weeks. Then my next one two weeks later was actually a two pound GAIN. That brings us up to date. I was due for a weigh in today and I don't feel like I've done great. I don't want to be putting myself in the dumps about bad decisions, but look forward to good ones- so I did not weigh today. I will next week and post then.

Back to the changes- I thought my back was quite a difference from the beginning to now. First pic is first day at 302 and second at 265. What do you think?

Little less of the flab and a little more definition on the back of my neck/shoulders, right? Or is this in my head?

I'm super excited to post things as I do them and share them when they happen and keep it fresh! I will add in a few things from the past I didn't get the chance to post that I wanted, but here's to keeping up to date!

Tomorrow I am going on a TEN MILE bike ride! This is my first long ride! Can't wait to share pictures and how THAT goes! Cross your fingers for me!